i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
