You can't motorboat a personality
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
