sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
