Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
