she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
