I am full of burrito and curiosity
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
