Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
