Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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