Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
