i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Hippo gnu deer
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
