Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
