I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
