im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
