I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
