I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
