I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
farters have to be the big spoon...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
