I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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