I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
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