it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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