I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
