just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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