he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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