Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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