I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
