Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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