Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
