Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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