Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
where does the pee come out of this thing
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
