suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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