God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
