i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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