FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
