and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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