Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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