I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
