I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
