Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
