This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
