I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
