Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
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