She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
