I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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