I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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