where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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