The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
