I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
