You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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