I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
