Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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