Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
